Howdy all

This surely is my fave time to write in this blog… and I’ve jsut realised that I’m running out of battery and its way too cold to get off my ass and get the charger.
What a shit night I’ve had, had shit food, wasted too much money at Top Bread (although the Milk Custard was very yummi, and no fuck-whitt who kept asking me how its made, and then made a nasty comment about asians and their weird ass food obsorbtions, I dont fuckin know how they make it or set it, if I did I would fucking make it, fuckwhitt) and now I’m having one of them nights where I cant sleep, I lie and I turn but I still cant shut my brain off from screaming random words to my ears, and I cant stop my left eye from twitching!? Mosath told me that its a sign that something bad is going to happen. Seriously can anything worse happen to me!?! It has been the shittest year I have ever had, I dont remember the last time I paused and thought to myself, FUCK ME Im so lucky! I cant wait till this year is over, I cant wait till I get outta this place. Where is this place? This shit place, where there is no time no real physical space. Its just a place in the world where everything fucks up and you cant really do anything about everything being fucked up. I just need to finish my assignments and get through these blasted exams. I think this is god punishing me for cursing at him. Surely he woulda known my intentions for cursing him and he woulda forgiven me, well maybe God is human after all and his feelings are hurt and he is having a sook and paying me back hardcore. Fuck, God are you mad at me? If you are I’m so sorry, can you please forgive me now, otherwise I’ll have to jump off the balcony on the freeway, express lane to see you, to set things straight once and for all.
But seriously God, sometimes you send things to me and influence my choices and they’re so fucked up cos I end up having to pay big time!
Like tonight I just want to sleep so I can wake up early and clean the house a bit and then focus on my work, but no u have to prevent that from happening too aint you?
SO here I am again, unable to sleep while santin sleeps, this is soooo unfair…. this is soooo freaked up!!!
IM SORRY GOD, im sorry if i pissed you off, Im sorry i’ve never volunterally gone to church, but u should know my intentions.

When u look at the clock and it tells you that its 4.44am and u havent had a wink of sleep you should probably take it as a sign, a sign that the worse is yet to come.
When ure body is wrecked and ure eyes feel like they’re amost about to pop out of your sockets but your mind refuses to turn off & rest, u cant help but question why?
My friend was just over my place borrowing a few dvd’s, and we started talking about murders and deaths. She was telling me about some police journals that she had read documenting the grusome discoveries of of suicide victims & detailing the lengths in which they went to just to ensure their own deaths. One story goes, a man wanted to end his life so badly that he put a chain around his own head and tied the other end of the chain around a tree, got into his car and drove really fast, the result, a body sitting in a drivers position with its head flown (still tied to the chain) 50 m behind the car.
Surely there have been stages in our lives where we think there is most likely a better alternative then life itself. I dont know whether its wishful thinking (as my dear friend MJ points out) or whether its just cynicism but the option is nevertheless there to think and pounder upon. Therefore at which point does one feel the need so strongly to leave the known and the certain in search for something supposeably divine? This feeling is so strong infact that it over-rides the living instinct. The need to breathe, the need to move, the need to see another day, minute, second, mircro second no longer seems relavant. Is it our empirical experiences that derive us to such a need, so is it as pyschologists say these days ‘a chemical imbalance’ of the brain. If so, is that ‘chemical imbalance’ natural or was it the causeal-effect of another action of ours. People every day go through the daily struggle to live, either from war or from disease. We always read and hear about the heoric stories of thoes who fight to live another day, and who claim never to take life for granted again, but what makes their story one worthy enough to approve as heroic? What about the stories of the ones who’s passion, passion for death is so strong that they go through these ordinary lengths to service their passions. Surely they should get some recognition for being so determained, to the point where they change the natural instincts embedded in us? Life is suppose to be a gift, a precious symbol – to who though? To god? To Jesus? To the angels? According to buddistism life is suffering, life is what happens when the soul doesnt understand, life is the hardship one must undertake before reaching its divine state.
All these theories on what life is, and how one should live them must have originated somewhere, and it must have borrowed its teachings from some source of inspiration. As a society we have determined certain aspects and occurances as being right or wrong. But that leads us to question the exact meaning of the word right and wrong? Its so subjective that we can not even begin to analyse it. We hold certain opinions and are proud that they are our own, but which one of us can trace back to the origin of our opinions. And which one of us can begin to understand why we hold that certain opinion. For example, one thinks that its not good to die. Where does this idea that death is bad come from? Whether the death is natural or self inflicted, why is it bad? It’s certain that anything that lives must then die, so why does one react badly to what was already certain?

Sometimes I dont think about living or dying, but just about the battles that through living I have to face. I know that the natural occurances of nature is its ability to balance everything, just like night balances the day, the north pole balances the right pole, the rain brings water, the sun takes it away.
If living is full of battles and victories, so too must death. Somehow the conception is that death is the end, but if it follows the rules of nature, then death isnt the end but just an evolved version of life. Just like a catapillar in its metaphorsised into a butterfly, the catapillar doesnt die, only it evolves into a butterfly.

xox godess

Whoa, finally after all this time of hearing about ‘blogging’ (especially at uni, where apparently this is the newest PR tool) I’m officially in the loop. This is going to be deverstating for my friend Kim whom just bought me a gorgeous leather, hand woven journal from Florence, dont worry Kim I’ll make good use of it, somehow… hehehe
I guess this first entry should have a special shout out to my bud Cheazles who got me onto this website, and held me hand while I thumbled through the admin stuff, after I opened a massive can of whoop ass on her in Scrabble today. That’s 6(me) to Nil(cheazles). Well its 4.13 am at the moment and work doesnt seem too far away. The forcast at present is super foggy, sitting her gazing out the window from level 16, I can bearly see the Westgate Bridge, its all just a blur of spots of light. You know its way past your bed time when the only thing on TV is Christianity TV, can’t wait to hook up Foxtel, I’ll be living the life with the remote my only bestfriend.
Anyways better sign off now and kiss the pillow before the sun awakes and the reality of life kicks in, where one must face the demonds of zna, a place where life & soul is the food of the demonds.
Definately looking forward to documenting the future fires, breakups, dismissals, illnesses, fights, and all the other boutique style Bold & Beautiful worthy stories.

xox godess