The Sexin Goddess
A personal, analytical, & unsystematic way of viewing lifeArchive for October, 2006
The trouble with having a good life.
Hmm, all month all I’ve been talking about is how crap everything is.
I dont want to be a downer on the whole 2 people who read my blog so I thought I’d better add in a light and fluffy entry.
Last night I was up all night watching ‘new investigators’ on discovery, and was shaking in my dacks, lucky i was msn-ing cheese who kept me company in between cybering with sammi/sammo. *ewwwk*
I guess when u see people who have been stab continuously in the ’safety’ of their own homes, by some psycho stranger off the street, you begin to realise your life isnt ALL that bad.
While walking home from the tram stop, I really felt like eating Yum cha… keep thinking about them prawn dumplings and how they would taste dunked in soy sauce and chilli…. I’m free but all my friends are working or sleeping or whatever… hahaha on the weekend it would be soo easy to tee up a yum cha session, but on a weekday most people I know have something to do.
hahaha I cant believe I’m having a whinge about having time to go eat yum cha!!! hahaha
This morning was pretty un-eventful. Yesterday (man it feels like it was ages ago! maybe people are right.. maybe I have no concept of time!?) I decided my life was shit and i needed a reason to justify my hypothesis. So I sat down and wrote a list of all the reasons why i had a shit day, hahaha
the list wasnt as bad as i thought actually…. involved things like
- getting bad grades on assessments
I probably deserved it since I didnt put much effort into it. So I should fucking pull up my socks.
- stupid dumb fat bitch at uni implied in an email that I was unreliable
She is just that… a bumb fat bitch so she can go stuff her face. I thought I was fat, but looking at her made me feel anorexic.
- have so much fucking assignments to do.
Emailed lecturer, asked for an extention on all my philosophy assignments, so I only had the research one to hand in and get it over and done with.
Turned on the charisma and charm (lucky I still have those!!!) and he granted me till monday! Sweet divine man!
Ok good things that happened?
- lost 2 kilos this week!
awesome! on the way to not only being whitty and charismatic but also god-damn fine! hahaha cant wait! watch out boys!!!
- tram came just as i got to the stop
This is a big one! Anyone living in the docks would know that city circle tram is the most unreliable tram ever!!! And for some reason when I’m at the end of the bridge, I normally see the tram leaving the stop. That really pisses me off! It was destiny.
hahahaha so I had 1 more bad shit happen then good stuff.
So freak it… why complain,… why stress for nothing.
Since I was in the mood to write lists I made another list of the things that I’m looking forward to.
Basically the reason I SHOULD be loving life.
- going to burma
- seeing my parents on tuesday with their new car!
- JM concert!!!!
- buying rosemary to add to my herb garden,,,.. which is dying cos i over watered them!? hahaha
- buying the next vase of flowers…. flowers are great… they brighten up a room add a special smell to the place.
- eating my next buffet, apparently I’ve put a schedule on this… BY MY BIRTHDAY hahaha I dont know if it will help my weight loss goals!!? but live a little (or a lot!!!!) i say!
- my birthday…. I’m looking forward to my Bike(chesse+sammo), lime tree(chesse+sammo), some IM lingerie(mik+sha+ffoeg) +bvlgari necklace(mum+dad), digital SLR canon EOS 400D twin lens kit (silver body) (BOO), hahahaha thats all the guarenteed gifts! hahahahaha its an investment guys!! hahaha a non-depreciating asset, so sorri sammo no tax benefits for you man! hahahaha
- indoor soccer starting! we are seriously going to kick some albert park ass!!!
- starting electives next year… decided I’m going to take Community Media, International Human Rights Law, and Intro to Photography, so i’ll know how to use my new camera!!!!
So its all good….my life isnt all that bad…..
I’m not goin to take it for granted anymore…. i’m going to embrace it like it’s a psycho child that just needs some love…. I can feel it struggling under my grasp but I’m just going to hold it tighter and not let it escape me…. not even one single day of it.
If I were an orphan I would be a killer
Oh my!
I cant imagine any one living such a ridiculous life as that of my own.
I seriously don’t know and can not figure out why things are just not going my way!
Ok, today… I get confirmation that I didn’t get the job that I didn’t want, BUT the girl who did get the job, she is so not worthy of the job. But then again who the fuck am I to judge someone on their worthiness. But the principle that rules my logic tells me that because she was chosen over me, she must be a lot better than I am. I cannot judge myself alone, I can only judge myself as a reflection of what others see of me. I mean I don’t care if they say mean things and abuse me, but if their intention is just pure, then it saids something about me then doesnt it? It saids that I think this girl is a wanker, but yet she was picked above me, which then classifies me as below a wanker!
Another shit incident was that I didn’t get a grant for my study tour at the beginning of next year.
There were 30 grants on offer of $1000 each and there were 90 applicants. The odds ain’t that bad. That is a 1/3 chance to getting a grant.
But I received an email today advising me that I was not successful. Seriously how much more can a person take!!?! I can see how people loath other human beings and I can see why people dont give a shit about each other. This fucked up world and the western culture has forced us to be selfish and to think of no one else but ourselves.
Fuck I hate the world, I hate the people in it and I hate whatever force is causing it to spin and turn around.
I can see why people are out there killing other people, its because no body really has a purpose on this earth!
I need to fuckin study I have shit loads of work to do, and not even my friends are considerate enough to fuckin clean up after themselves? Do they fucking think they are invited guests if I’m fucking needing to write a 1500 essay!?!!
See I often find myself in the dilemma of pleasing people and pleasing myself. I am happy when i see other people happy. But in return I then feel uncomfortable because then I cannot accomplish all the things that I need to do for myself.
I wish I could live as a sacrifice for the world to feed on and weather away, but fuck I’m unfortunately born with a conscious and I’m fucking born with a mind, that doesnt want to be trampled on!
fuck fuck fuck!!!!!!!!!!!
The fault with women
I woke up this morning to a dream that my ex boyfriend purposed to me, and one of my close friends went to jail. Also in this same intertwined, weirdness my philosophy teacher was giving me porn as apart of the program.
Normally I wouldn’t batter an eye lid to these ridiculous dreams that I have but for the past few days these dreams have been coming true. They don’t happen exactly the way that it does in my dreams but the final outcome is always the same. For example, on saturday we went to a wedding (my parents and i) and mum lost little coin purse. Only this coin purse had $700 in it so that she could give it to my uncle. Everybody was frantically looking for it when we got home, and mum couldn’t even sleep that night. The same night I had a dream that we found the wallet, and someone that I called up (who apparently worked for the reception in which the wedding was held at) told me that he had it, and asked me how i knew to call him. That morning mum called me up at 6:30 to go look for her wallet. YEAH RIGHT! hahaha anyways she ended up calling the grooms mum and they told her the wallet was handed into them, the grooms mother then went on to ask her, how did she know to call them? SPOOKY?!!
There’s more!!!
A few nights ago, i had a dream that my boss took me into a room and gave me a pay rise but I was still complaining about it. Normally any meeting with my boss is negative. I always have the urge to bash her through the head. I had forgotten that we have our yearly reviews coming up, and she had been talking up my score so much over the last few weeks I actually expected alot better than I ended up getting.
Anyways yesterday I went into the meeting, and she gave me her score and I was kinda pissed. It was lower than i expected. And ofcorse without fail I argued, and am getting it reviewed.
hahahaha
anyways this new dream that I have just awoken from.
My ex, my dear old ex. It’s weird because we had the most INTENSE relationship (if you can even call it that) but it was the weirdest and shortest relationship ever!
I dont know whether it was because I was young and naive but I thought we really had something good, it turned out that he had a gf, and I was just his bitch while they were sorting their shit out.
It was so weird because at the beginning of the courting period, one night we went out for dinner, and he confessed, saying the usual bullshit that men like to say “You are a wonderful person but I’ve got a gf” interpretation “You are a wonderful person but I know of and have a much more wonderful person that I come home to.”
So that was all fine, only we were getting closer and even though I tried to distant myself, he was still always around. Anyways it grew from friends to making out buddies and he assured me that he was no longer with his gf and that he realised how ‘fabulous’ I was. I fell for it. Maybe thats why I act like such a tough bitch now, since he dicked me around, I believed him and he fucked me. (not literally just metaphorically speaking.)
Anyways one day within a few weeks from the time he said he HAD to be with me. He just stopped calling. He stopped coming to pick me up to go work, (blasted toys r us!) he even went to the extreme of not coming to work at all!
Back then, I couldnt understand it, I had to know why!!?! I couldnt accept that maybe he found something more special in his gf, that was evidently missing in me. I couldnt understand, or maybe I wouldnt understand. I came up with every reason under the sun as to why he was doing this to me, except that maybe he just didn’t love me like he love his gf. My ambition exceeded my talent to lure him back. There were moments throughout the years of us no longer being together when he would come to say hi, and we would embrace each other the way we use to, and he would look at me the way he use to. But he would hastily walk away, as fast as the moment had come, it was gone again.
He would never confess that he was still with his gf, we would never talk about her, pretended that she didnt exist. At that moment, I probably knew that he was doggin me, but in my mind, I made up a guy who was so wonderful that he could do no harm. In my mind, he was the most generous, caring, funny guy ever.
Even to this day he has some kinda hold on me that no else has been able to have. I mean I loved other guys more than I ever have loved this guy, (we’ll call him TRU for simplicities sake) but they never had the pulling power. Fuck you/off are probably one of my favourite phrases. I could pretty much say that to anyone who’s ideals and actions dont suit my agenda. But I have never sworn or abused TRU.
Anyways recently I found out that he was married, I confronted him about it and he denied the whole thing, saying that he doesnt even love his gf/wife anymore, and they havent been living in the same house for some time now. It’s odd because he does call me at weird hours in the morning, and I call him at weird hours to see if he really is with her, and he would talk to me like normal. So on these nights either she isnt there, and we have immaculate timing or he is telling the truth. They continue to share their finances, they share a mortgage for heavens sake!
Anyways my point is he doesnt think I know any of this. (and I probably shouldnt know) but why would i dream about him proposing to me when I know he already has a wife?
It got me thinking. Women in general, have an ignorance to what they want to believe in. Time and time again I see intelligent woman derive at nothing to the mercy of some man. It always starts out in the same way. The woman not caring too much about the guy, then she grows to love him due to his persistence. Then he just turns it off and gives her nothing.
And thats the fault in women, that they are optimistic to the point of naiveness. They take in all the good qualities and seive out all the negative. Thinking that the core of a man is his good qualities. Women look for the good and base judgement upon these.
They need to level their playing fields by thinking like a man, they are too soft and allow men to get away with way too much. If only we were unreasonable and think more for ourselves.
Now that we’ve acknowledged our faults we can step up our game women!
People are just stupid pigs….
I don’t usually have bad things to say about people, or even if I do I only mean it from a superficial point of view. But this time I really mean it. I mean it from the core of me!
At uni we’re doing this research assignment and my group are a bunch of freaked up piss face people. Seriously they have no ethical obligations in the name if ‘team work’. I cant believe there are people like that in the world. I fucking hate them so much I wanna stab them in the eye.
So now we’re all getting marked individually, and my section is the hardest part. Fucking looser fuckers!
Anyways I just had vent my anger out.
Going to a job interview soon, so I had to get all the negative energy out! Im actually getting quite nervous thinking about it. Its so weird because I don’t mind whether i get the job or not, and I’m not likely to care about people judging me, so why am I so nervous!?
I have no idea….
It’s in New Quay and considering I live 5 mins walk from there,…. I’ve toyed with the idea of walking. It doesn’t look like its happening though. To counteract the guilt i feel for not walking, I’ve justified it in my mind by all of a sudden having all these chores to do!
hahaha like posting ebay sales, buying new stock, visiting my parents a whole lotta crap. hahahaha
how can u debate dualism? there is no doubt it exists, I am the testament of its existence. hahahaha
goddess xox