I am contemplating a jog and a swim, but i think I’m letting myself off the hook by claiming that its way too windy outside, and the accident on the freeway is keeping me entertained.
I came home from work today starving (like everyday) so I indulged in some frozen pizza and corn chips. Man corn chips are soooooo addictive, you eat one of them and you wont be able to stop. It takes alot of self control to detain your fingers from picking ‘just one more’
The traffic is really bad outside,…. there’s an accident and speeds are down to 40km on the bridge. It’s evenings like this that make one just want to eat a whole bunch of bad food and curl up in bed with a good book. But due to social commitments I will be dining with Mots brother, his girlfriend and his mother. Oh yeah and ofcorse him too hahaha
I wish we could go to the Melba Brassarie but instead we decided to go to the Jap restaurant downstairs (cuts out all the traveling)

Im so busy these days I hardly get to contemplate on mundane things that are interesting to me, my mind is constantly on ‘go’ mode, I feel like a coke bottle sitting in a hot car, then shaken, almost about to pop! I recently spoke to this guy I use to have a crush on, and I realised how I romantise about how a guy is and once I get to know him, basically its let down.
Anyhow we were talking about being ‘off centered’ and how I think that everyone has a point where they are driven by society or those around them, and they just crack it. I dont think the nature of people dictates that anybody is a murdered or a rapist, they’re just pushed and tormented till they reach a point of no return. He seemed to think that you’re either born ‘off centered’ or born normal. Interesting theory considering every single criminal has some sad history dictating their future actions.

So this morning I was reading Frutzie’s blog and found it interesting that he never thought about his own death.
It’s not an easily digestable topic and the implications associated with it make it a taboo topic not easily debated or discussed.
Just like the ‘off centered’ argument I think it depends on how you were bought up and the type of literature that you consume that determines whether you contemplate it or whether you see it as a far fetch fantasy.
I think the more passionate you are as a person, the more likely you would suffer from depression, and find death a resolution or even an option. See its the passionate people that will always give a shit about everything, and because they dedicate themselves whole heartedly, when they are let down, it consumes the whole of them. And when you have nothing, you really have nothing to loose. Frutzie mentioned that if he had lost all his friends and family, would he then contemplate death? I think this is still highly unlikely, people don’t get depressed through one hard event, its almost a teasing throughout their whole life that decides that he will be a person prone to suicide.

Imagine, you’re a child, you’re parents get divorced, you witness your father injecting heroine everyday, and your mothers boyfriend beats you up. Then when you go to school, the kids at school tease your clothes and the nits in your hair. At this stage you would probably be somewhat disappointed in life, but you probably dont have the tools in your head to want to die yet.
Then when you’re in highschool, you hang with the wrong friends, you take drugs, you sleep around, you dont really have a home. In reflection you’re whole life has been somewhat of a waste and you probably dont see the fun in living at all. We all need to have a reason to live, a common purpose, whether its to see our friends the next day, or to play golf on Saturday, if there was no purpose then there’s no real purpose for living. At least when you die, there is a flickering hope that you will feel nothing, rather than feeling all this pain, all this worthlessness, all this disappointment.

Story may sound far fetched, but in reality there are youths out there living like this everyday. We all live in our isolated little lives, hanging out with our selected group of friends, but its not until you explore how the other people live that we can see how bad life can really get.

I cant say I’m a depressed person, but there are definitely times when death may be an easily and faster solution than dealing with the issue at hand. I entertain the idea as a form of escape from the real world, but fortunately I personally do have alot of loose. Take away my family, all my friends, my poetry, my ability to walk, run and laugh, take away my newspaper reading on the weekend, my ability to smell the spring blooms, then the depth of entertainment might escalate to reality.
Our lives are built on a network of people and abilities, without these we are nothing, we are just an organism breathing and shitting.

I’ve always loved Fridays, but today is EXTRA special. So I’m downing my 3rd coffee (its only 12.30, havent even had lunch yet!) had 2 mugs of tea+honey (whos honey was in the kitchen? I dunno I just used it anyways) and just popped open my tube of rolo (yummm havent had rolo for sooo long!), celebrating is definately on the cards.

Oh boy what a stressful week its been, today marks the 13th straight day that I’ve been working, and I feel like I’m about to pass out if I have to work another day longer. Luckily I will engage in a 3 day weekend, although I will have to babysit my sibblings as well as Mot’s cousins so there is no real ‘me’ time. But we are going to Plume tomorrow night for some hot pot action… so there is some indulgence on the agenda.

 Anyhow I just finished reading Cheese’s blog on our adventures on the weekend. haha so she thoroughly enjoyed it even though was almost about to pass out when told she had to dress naked chicks, whinged about wanting to stay home to sleep and cursed my attempts to earn her $210 bucks for 2 days work!

The funniest part of the weekend was our poor attempts to hide at the cafe after our first dressing session, where I nearly punched on with a certain diva, and saw way too many boobies and g strings. Even for a girl who occassionally thinks about being a lesbian, the occassion was confirmation that I am straight, yes I can now confirm that I AM indeed 110% sure that I am straight.

Time at the publishing house was pretty fun, ofcorse there were moments where I sat there thinking, what the hell am i doing here? but I love the fact that I was dictating my own work. If I wanted to eat I could, if I wanted to call a reporter I could, if I wanted to sit and surf the net I could. No body timed me, no body felt the need to hold me down due to their own inabilities to do something. It was just great using my skills and knowledge to achieve a certain set of goals. It has confirmed to me that I am truely made for this job, and this job is made for me.

 Spoke to one of the CEO’s yesterday and she said she would love to chat to me next week, so hopefully this is my step into the world wide web of books book and more books!!!! If i land a role in this next project as the PR + makering manager, it will indeed open me up for entrance into penguin, phaidon and who knows what else! I’m totally excited!

Right now I’m at the office of an australian not-for-profit organisation that produces and funds childrens television programs. Such a different working culture, everyone is so quite you could potentially hear a coin drop. The first few weeks here, were really mundane but things are starting to pick up as I’m more aquaintant to the staff and material, so I’m more receptive and accepting of the way things are run here. Again they’ve set me a general goal, and left the reins up to me. Its amazing how much everybody trusts me, I keep thinking to myself,…. what if i dud this up? what if i say something wrong with the reporter, and they write it?! But luckily nothing like that has happened… yet… hahaha

It just goes to show how when you leave uni, you dont really know what to do with all this theory you have. The reality is I dont think people really know what they’re doing, everyone just makes it up as they go along, and sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesnt. What I’ve realised is that University is the foundation to thought and theory. It’s where you go to learn about ‘how’ to think about situations and ‘how’ to formulate and articulate solutions. With my last semester approaching I cant help but already feel a sense of excitment as well as fear. Now I really have to grow up and be a real person. I cant make people feel sorry for me by claiming to be a ’struggling student’ anymore, and I cant even get concession tickets at the movies!

Uni came and went so fast, it feels like only a few weeks ago I was the nervous student at RMIT, looking around wondering what this course was going to offer me, and wondering when I would be able to finish this goddamn course. And now fast forward 3 years and I’m here sitting her like a professional, pretending to work, a fellow employee commenting about how ‘busy’ I’ve been looking. It’s here, I’m really here….. I can finally tick another box on my ‘1001 things to do before I die’ list. 

Scum money off family+friends, and complain about being a ’struggling (fill in blanks). [TICK]

Optus is the biggest cack of a company I have ever experienced. I have had the really bad days thanks to their non existence customer services. I’m clearly over them, and I wish there was a substitute company out there where I could devote my services and phone connection to, but unfortunately there is little alternative outside the other blood sucking company Telstra. I’ve always wondered why people who work for these phone companies are sooooo slack and so bad at well… using the phone. You can never get a straight answer, or a proper explaination. You just have to keep repeating yourself and talking to some nong head across the other side of the world, and allowing him to speak over you while you at first patiently try to emphatise with his cultural conflicts. But then you find yourself getting angrier and angrier as he still doesnt understand you and still insists in ‘being sorry, but there’s nothing (i) can do’.

Seriously Optus, just freakin grow up, and take responsibility for your own actions. Stop palming customers around from one department to the next. Do you like the fact that we hate your guts and cant wait for there to be an alternative so we can leave your ass!?

So common get with the program!

godess

xox