I am contemplating a jog and a swim, but i think I’m letting myself off the hook by claiming that its way too windy outside, and the accident on the freeway is keeping me entertained.
I came home from work today starving (like everyday) so I indulged in some frozen pizza and corn chips. Man corn chips are soooooo addictive, you eat one of them and you wont be able to stop. It takes alot of self control to detain your fingers from picking ‘just one more’
The traffic is really bad outside,…. there’s an accident and speeds are down to 40km on the bridge. It’s evenings like this that make one just want to eat a whole bunch of bad food and curl up in bed with a good book. But due to social commitments I will be dining with Mots brother, his girlfriend and his mother. Oh yeah and ofcorse him too hahaha
I wish we could go to the Melba Brassarie but instead we decided to go to the Jap restaurant downstairs (cuts out all the traveling)

Im so busy these days I hardly get to contemplate on mundane things that are interesting to me, my mind is constantly on ‘go’ mode, I feel like a coke bottle sitting in a hot car, then shaken, almost about to pop! I recently spoke to this guy I use to have a crush on, and I realised how I romantise about how a guy is and once I get to know him, basically its let down.
Anyhow we were talking about being ‘off centered’ and how I think that everyone has a point where they are driven by society or those around them, and they just crack it. I dont think the nature of people dictates that anybody is a murdered or a rapist, they’re just pushed and tormented till they reach a point of no return. He seemed to think that you’re either born ‘off centered’ or born normal. Interesting theory considering every single criminal has some sad history dictating their future actions.

So this morning I was reading Frutzie’s blog and found it interesting that he never thought about his own death.
It’s not an easily digestable topic and the implications associated with it make it a taboo topic not easily debated or discussed.
Just like the ‘off centered’ argument I think it depends on how you were bought up and the type of literature that you consume that determines whether you contemplate it or whether you see it as a far fetch fantasy.
I think the more passionate you are as a person, the more likely you would suffer from depression, and find death a resolution or even an option. See its the passionate people that will always give a shit about everything, and because they dedicate themselves whole heartedly, when they are let down, it consumes the whole of them. And when you have nothing, you really have nothing to loose. Frutzie mentioned that if he had lost all his friends and family, would he then contemplate death? I think this is still highly unlikely, people don’t get depressed through one hard event, its almost a teasing throughout their whole life that decides that he will be a person prone to suicide.

Imagine, you’re a child, you’re parents get divorced, you witness your father injecting heroine everyday, and your mothers boyfriend beats you up. Then when you go to school, the kids at school tease your clothes and the nits in your hair. At this stage you would probably be somewhat disappointed in life, but you probably dont have the tools in your head to want to die yet.
Then when you’re in highschool, you hang with the wrong friends, you take drugs, you sleep around, you dont really have a home. In reflection you’re whole life has been somewhat of a waste and you probably dont see the fun in living at all. We all need to have a reason to live, a common purpose, whether its to see our friends the next day, or to play golf on Saturday, if there was no purpose then there’s no real purpose for living. At least when you die, there is a flickering hope that you will feel nothing, rather than feeling all this pain, all this worthlessness, all this disappointment.

Story may sound far fetched, but in reality there are youths out there living like this everyday. We all live in our isolated little lives, hanging out with our selected group of friends, but its not until you explore how the other people live that we can see how bad life can really get.

I cant say I’m a depressed person, but there are definitely times when death may be an easily and faster solution than dealing with the issue at hand. I entertain the idea as a form of escape from the real world, but fortunately I personally do have alot of loose. Take away my family, all my friends, my poetry, my ability to walk, run and laugh, take away my newspaper reading on the weekend, my ability to smell the spring blooms, then the depth of entertainment might escalate to reality.
Our lives are built on a network of people and abilities, without these we are nothing, we are just an organism breathing and shitting.