Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about what is a lie and what is the truth. The more I explore and attempt to marry life with some sort of meaning, I realise how central the role of logos is to human existence.

Without the existence of language, there is no order for thought and no definition.

I recently watched a documentary about a man who had been blind since he was around 3. When he was in his 40’s, new technology was developed and he was given the chance to see again. What was to be the best news took an unexpected turn. Up until this day he never allowed his disability to prevent his from fully living his life.
He rode his bike around town, skiied, worked, and was happily married with three kids.
When his sight returned, he was able to for the very first time, visualise his wife and children. But the problem was his mind had forgotten how to see, he could not recognise his wife from his children. They looked indifferent to him. His brain was no longer wired to interpret sight, therefore he could not receive information from his eyes and use his brain to interpret it. The information he received through his eyes meant nothing, because there wasn’t a program to understand it.

Language is the program of life. It gives us the tools to pick up situations and deconstruct them in a way that would allow us to understand and interpret something that would otherwise have no meaning.
I guess there are two ways to view understanding and information. One is that knowledge comes from original thought, through a metaphysical self, or it comes via the physical sensory system.

Through personal experience I can clearly conclude that ALL my opinions and ideas are formed via experiences that are tangiable. I know not to touch a stove because it is hot, I know this because I have TOUCHED a stove and I didnt enjoy the sensation that occured when I touched the stove.
I like drinking alcho because when I digest it, I loose my inhibitions and free from my worries. I know that when I loose someone I love, there’s a heavy feeling, where my heart physically is. I know things, I have knowledge because I can confirm this knowledge through my experiences. I can experience myself, thats why I know I exist. I choose to believe that the reactions I get are a direct correlation to a certain action that I originally applied.

Without language and the ability to communicate clearly with each other, what is there really?
When I talk about language I don’t limit it to words and the spoken language, language is universal. It’s our facial expression, its our ora, its our presence.

Take a uncomplicated and simple pen for example.
Without ‘a’ word the explain it, does it have an use or purpose? I mean we could change the name from pen to use a vulgar term like ‘cunt’. It wouldnt make a difference what we called the thing, as long as there is a ‘classification’ a universal understanding, then it would serve a purpose.

This brings me to my intention for explaining the theory before I reveal the practice.
I have a friend who constantly saids the wrong thing at the wrong time. I can understand and have enough faith in the ‘constitution’ of our friendship to accept that her intention isnt to hurt my feelings, or to piss me off. But she cannot say the right thing. Whether it is to me, or to clients, or to someone else, she tends to never be able to articulate herself.

My point is ‘ if someone goes on talking in a rather non coherent manner’ can you really be friends with that person? I mean real friends, friends where you would die for that person. Or are they too undefined to be able to be your friend? I cant really explain the extent of frustration that i feel.

I mean the reality is that we all judge each other, and we judge ourselves. Do we really need our friends to judge us undirectly in a direct manner only to then cover it up by saying that it was unintentional? Thats the thing with logos, the real beauty in it. Its that one message, one article can be defined and labeled in so many different ways. it’s up to us to use this medium of language to shape the journey of that message.

As you grow older, you realise how different people are, you realise that you’re not that likeable, and in reality you dont like that many people either.
You’re there as a pillar for your friends and your family, and the reality is that there is no such thing as unconditional love or unconditional friendship. If you feel as though you’re the only one contributing anything, and you’re not getting what you need from the friendship/relationship then you’re soon going to get sick and tired of it. It’s no longer fun nor challanging.

So to end, keep your enemies close, but your friends closer.

godess
xox

The trouble with summer and vacations is that no one is ever at home married to their computers, procrasinating about the world, thus documenting them on their blogs.

Normally this wouldnt really be a massive issue, but it is when you’re forced to be glued to your desk and stuck at work all day. Normally this bordem can be counteracted by reading other people blogs and laughing at their expense, but lately people have finished their exams and gone out to get a life, meaning most regularly visited blogs have not had a recent post since 1984!!?

 I guess I am also guilty of this crime, except I am not out living the life, I am stuck on the 8th floor of my office, looking at other peoples spending on their credit card and deciding whether I have suspicion to block their card thus ruining their fun. Its a Sunday, the sun is shining bright, I can see people walking on the street in their thongs and shorts, pushing prams or arm in arm. I wish I were at home listening to good music and writing the first chapter of my book, but the $50 an hour they’re willing to pay here is way too seductive. So here I am trying really hard to be productive, but the whether is fast becoming my worse friend…. making a mockery of me with its uplifting rays.

Yesterday I spent all day working at an electrol office, processing votes. What a boring job!! But honestly  I sat around talking to my friends and flirting with a certain somebody once mentioned in this blog. Remember the guy who stood me up without calling? hahaha yes, we met again at this doodgy job, and there was a massive amount of flirting thrown around. He really is a funny guy, although sometimes I think he tries too hard to be funny, and that is usually a no go but for him I’m making an exception. It got me thinking. Why would I make an exception for him? Usually I only make these exceptions for lawyers, docters, musicams, artists (real ones…not students branding themselves as artists), but this guy is what I call a statitian, I dont know if that really is an occupation title, cos it sure aint a real word. Looks at numbers and pretends to do something with them. Nothing interesting, nothing inspiring or extra ordinary. Maybe what they say is true, that ‘the harder you play, the more they want you.’ because it seems the only strong reason I want him so bad is because he had the audacity to stand me up without even a phone call. Its the madest thing ever, but yet real.

Went and bought a few new CD’s before work today. They say that it is apart of the student lifestyle to spend your money before you spend it. Drove into town and picked up James Morrison, Matt Dusk, Vittorio Grigolo, Sarah Blasko & Cafe Bossa Nova, just for the long summer nights – fast approaching. 

James Morrison is such an awesome artist. Love his album, great songs and lyrics with some depth. Fav song at the moment, after 2 runs on the player is one last chance.

Matt Dusk is an interesting artist. He could be seen as the son of Michael Buble. Similar type of big band music, although his personal style isnt as romantic or seductive like that of Buble’s. He sounds a little less mature, fun, ‘i dont give 2 rats’, and maybe a bit of a player? hahaha i dont know how anyone can sound like they are a bit of a player through singing songs that they didnt even themselves write. But if its not his real personality then its definately a bit of an edge that his publicist put in for his over all image. Fav song on this album would have to be ‘the best is yet to come’

Currently checking out Vittorio’s album, only up to the first track. Love Italian music, can never get enough of other languages. Although I cannot understand the specific words the tone and composition of the music reminds me of that same feeling that one gets when first having listened to Joni Mitchel. A bit turned-off by the fact that he has collaborated with the pussy cat dolls chick (can you find another artist to discredit you as a REAL artist anymore than the pussy cat dolls.) but I guess its publicity, and thats how i came to know of him, so it works.  Cannot wait to sample the rest of the album, I’ll keep you all posted.

Anyways time to get back to work, got to stop some more people having a good shopping day by blocking their cards.

Oh but before I go, people who are the authors of the blogs I regularly visit freak can u PLEASE write more frequently, and people who visit this blog and feel my pain please leave a link to your blog, I need more material to read when I’m at work. HELP!!!!!!!! Thanks

It is officially noon and I’ve got to get this essay into the office BY 4 pm today… thats giving me a total of 3 hours to complete a 1500 word essay!! I woke up this morning at 5:30 after eating some dodgy food last night, my ass is still recovering from the extra work its been doing all morning.
I had some weird ass dream last night. I dont know if this is occurs for everyone, but I find myself frowning in my sleep (oh so I’ve been told) Its like an out of body experience, so I’m observing myself in my dream, but when I awake I feel as though I have just experienced it… but then I remember that while I’m observing myself in my dream I’m disapproving of my own actions…
Anyways have a shower and come out to the dinning room to start my essay… but instead I’m on youtube looking at clips laughing so loud it woke up my house mate. And now its noon im writing a blog just to kick about time and delay the process of writing an academic essay as long as I can.
Oh I do have to share my first experience with a ‘professional’ masseurs. Normally massages occur as a step of foreplay leading to sex, or there was this one time….. i used massage as a seduction tool. hahaha
So I wake up (it seems alot happens to me when I’m sleeping.) with a twist in the muscle of my shoulder blade (this is self diagnosis) couldnt move my neck at all, if i wanted to look over my right shoulder I would have to turn my WHOLE body to the right.
Anyways I call up a few places around my apartment and find this one place that will take me straight away (I shoulda already been suspicious since they had no clients!). I fill out the ‘initial consultation’ form, circling FIRM as my preference of stroking. hahahahaha
I always had the illusion that massages should be pleasurable. But through out the whole experience I was gripping the rails of the table with all force. There was this one stage where she was massaging my butt cheeks (is that right? felt wrong…..), so was massaging so hard that my ass probably felt like a rock since I was tensing them to the best of my abilities. My back feels like ive been bashed and my room mate swears there are purple marks on my back…. if the actual ‘feeling’ isnt bad enough, I was slapped with a $100 bill for a 45 min session. Man that is my food budget for 2 weeks. I dont know how much longer I can live on this student budget. I also got conned into buying a wheat bag. Apparently you heat it up and place it on your sore parts and its suppose to aid the healing process. I’m totally addicted to it at the moment. I have no idea if it works or if its making my shoulder a little worse but i take it everywhere with me. I love it…. hahaha

This morning I ate the cabbage soup that I’m suppose to be living on. I realised just how disgusting it is…. i have to lick the spoon as apposed to eating it normally. Think of a dog, you know how when they eat they stick their tongue out and slurp it up… well thats me eating this soup. It’s fuckin gross. I need to go on boot camp or something.
Anyways I better go
a) do this fuckin essay, I’ve concluded I have no freewill, and thats why I desperately want to finish the god-damn essay but due to forces beyond my current control I can not do it…..
b) sleep
c) youtube
d)sleep

I think im going to have to sleep….

Last night, I went to the John Mayer concert. He was pretty impressive. Yes, I know…. how come I went to such a big event, and event that I has been anticipating for a long time coming, and I dont even sound that excited about it? Well I think there was something missing in Mayers performance. Musically he was all there, there can never be anything to fault about his artistic abilities. He is one of the limited musicians who seem to take their music more seriously than his ear-skretching fans. But nevertheless his fans are the ones who gave his the ability to do what he loves to do and still make enough money from it to eat and impress other chicks whom he sleeps with.
Look I dont have an issue with people snubbing people at large venues since there is no humanly possible way for 1 hot bastard to service 100’s and 1000’s of adoring fans..but what i do feel a bit disappointed about was that during sound check there were around 30-50 of us sitting in the audience watching him fine tune the technicalities for his show and he didnt even come down and say howdy or anything. His exit was accompanied by a quick flicker of his arm, something closely representing a wave. From my perspective, a part of being in an industry where you’re relying people to love your art, I would expect that you dedicate some of your time to show your appreciation. Now showing appreciation doesnt mean say “I appreciate you coming, thank you very much.”
I do acknowledge how hard it must be to be constantly surrounded by people you dont know, who are screaming at you. And I guess it would make you resent the fact that they’re screaming your name and telling you how much they love you, when they dont even know you. So you would probably be feeling like a peice of meat, but thats the frickle nature of the business.
Look I’m not suggesting that if I were to ever be a famous celeb I wouldnt act like John, but I’m guessing I’m more interested in him as a person, rather than the thought of him as a celeb. I want to see the humanistic characteristics in him because I want to understand what it would be to be his friend, to be the shop owner who lives on his street, or a previous classmate. I dont care about his celeb status I’m so smittened by his art. I wanna know what he thinks about and how he sees colour. His lyrics are so rich with thought and the emotions seem so raw, he even sounds rather witty on the radio and television. I want to see the real him…. I want to see that creative, thoughtful and that philosophical guys like him really do exist in the world.

My one and only exam has come and swiftly gone within a hour.
The day started off on the right foot, I shoulda known the moment I was awoken by some homie song that Cindy had put on my phone as my alarm, that it was going to nothing short of a FABULOUS day.
I got ready within 10 mins of rolling outta bed, so tempted to rock up to uni in my pjs, but remembered that time when I rocked up to banking & finance law in my pj shorts with unshaven legs…. ewwww… hahaha never making the same mistake again!!!!!
My trusted but odd roomate drove me to school, dropped my ass off in the middle of Victoria street during peak hour traffic….
I made my way to the computer lab to check my email, and then realised that the exam wasnt until 10:30 which was a whole hour before I thought it was. hahaha this has been the first ever exam that I have rocked up to early!
- first year intro to macro-eco, didnt even rock up to the exam at all. Let me defend this. The school posted an exam timetable. I looked at it…. organised it well, then they changed it a few days before the blasted exam. Woke up that morning to an alarming amount of missed calls on my fone. Thought I was lil miss popular, only to realise after checking the sms’s that I had missed the exam. “where the fuck were you man? u better be dying in hospital.” fuck….. first failed subject at uni. Was only the first for the many to come…. hahaha
Anyways, today was the first day ever I’ve walked outta the exam early AND confident,…. I normally leave early because I’m just one of those people that give the exam the once over…. if I fucking cant answer it within the first reading well then fuck it… I probably didnt study that part… hahahaha see thats the thing isnt it? Even if you study your brains out all semester, and remember 85% of the subject matter, and the examiners decide to write questions on the 15% that you didnt memories by writing it on your fore head then you’re fucked. Then it makes you feel stupid cos you’ve just studied your brains out and still only managed to PASS, or even fail. Fucking uni.
But yeah this subject I shoulda gunned it, but stupid in class assessments…. didnt know u had to answer every fucking question… hahahaha (should be obvious but wasnt) oh who cares,.. as long as I pass im stoked. Man coming from a veteran a+ student, saying that I’d be stoked if I pass is a google down grade man.. hahahaha fucking life…
Anyways… after exams rocked up at the tram stop and the fucking tram just came outta no where… fucking stoked again!
hahaha see when life is shit (like it has been this year…) the smallest minute details can make or break a day.
get home… and my cousin who flew back from NZ JUST for the JM concert tonight wants to go eat charcoal chicken, no one ever wants to eat that with me!! hahahaha

anyways this posts key msg?
Fucking exam was a waster of time…. if I could do it… having not studied at all, then any dog shit coulda got HD for it…

Hmm, all month all I’ve been talking about is how crap everything is.
I dont want to be a downer on the whole 2 people who read my blog so I thought I’d better add in a light and fluffy entry.
Last night I was up all night watching ‘new investigators’ on discovery, and was shaking in my dacks, lucky i was msn-ing cheese who kept me company in between cybering with sammi/sammo. *ewwwk*
I guess when u see people who have been stab continuously in the ’safety’ of their own homes, by some psycho stranger off the street, you begin to realise your life isnt ALL that bad.

While walking home from the tram stop, I really felt like eating Yum cha… keep thinking about them prawn dumplings and how they would taste dunked in soy sauce and chilli…. I’m free but all my friends are working or sleeping or whatever… hahaha on the weekend it would be soo easy to tee up a yum cha session, but on a weekday most people I know have something to do.
hahaha I cant believe I’m having a whinge about having time to go eat yum cha!!! hahaha

This morning was pretty un-eventful. Yesterday (man it feels like it was ages ago! maybe people are right.. maybe I have no concept of time!?) I decided my life was shit and i needed a reason to justify my hypothesis. So I sat down and wrote a list of all the reasons why i had a shit day, hahaha
the list wasnt as bad as i thought actually…. involved things like

- getting bad grades on assessments
I probably deserved it since I didnt put much effort into it. So I should fucking pull up my socks.

- stupid dumb fat bitch at uni implied in an email that I was unreliable
She is just that… a bumb fat bitch so she can go stuff her face. I thought I was fat, but looking at her made me feel anorexic.

- have so much fucking assignments to do.
Emailed lecturer, asked for an extention on all my philosophy assignments, so I only had the research one to hand in and get it over and done with.
Turned on the charisma and charm (lucky I still have those!!!) and he granted me till monday! Sweet divine man!

Ok good things that happened?

- lost 2 kilos this week!
awesome! on the way to not only being whitty and charismatic but also god-damn fine! hahaha cant wait! watch out boys!!!

- tram came just as i got to the stop
This is a big one! Anyone living in the docks would know that city circle tram is the most unreliable tram ever!!! And for some reason when I’m at the end of the bridge, I normally see the tram leaving the stop. That really pisses me off! It was destiny.

hahahaha so I had 1 more bad shit happen then good stuff.
So freak it… why complain,… why stress for nothing.

Since I was in the mood to write lists I made another list of the things that I’m looking forward to.
Basically the reason I SHOULD be loving life.

- going to burma
- seeing my parents on tuesday with their new car!
- JM concert!!!!
- buying rosemary to add to my herb garden,,,.. which is dying cos i over watered them!? hahaha
- buying the next vase of flowers…. flowers are great… they brighten up a room add a special smell to the place.
- eating my next buffet, apparently I’ve put a schedule on this… BY MY BIRTHDAY hahaha I dont know if it will help my weight loss goals!!? but live a little (or a lot!!!!) i say!
- my birthday…. I’m looking forward to my Bike(chesse+sammo), lime tree(chesse+sammo), some IM lingerie(mik+sha+ffoeg) +bvlgari necklace(mum+dad), digital SLR canon EOS 400D twin lens kit (silver body) (BOO), hahahaha thats all the guarenteed gifts! hahahahaha its an investment guys!! hahaha a non-depreciating asset, so sorri sammo no tax benefits for you man! hahahaha
- indoor soccer starting! we are seriously going to kick some albert park ass!!!
- starting electives next year… decided I’m going to take Community Media, International Human Rights Law, and Intro to Photography, so i’ll know how to use my new camera!!!!

So its all good….my life isnt all that bad…..
I’m not goin to take it for granted anymore…. i’m going to embrace it like it’s a psycho child that just needs some love…. I can feel it struggling under my grasp but I’m just going to hold it tighter and not let it escape me…. not even one single day of it.

Oh my!
I cant imagine any one living such a ridiculous life as that of my own.
I seriously don’t know and can not figure out why things are just not going my way!
Ok, today… I get confirmation that I didn’t get the job that I didn’t want, BUT the girl who did get the job, she is so not worthy of the job. But then again who the fuck am I to judge someone on their worthiness. But the principle that rules my logic tells me that because she was chosen over me, she must be a lot better than I am. I cannot judge myself alone, I can only judge myself as a reflection of what others see of me. I mean I don’t care if they say mean things and abuse me, but if their intention is just pure, then it saids something about me then doesnt it? It saids that I think this girl is a wanker, but yet she was picked above me, which then classifies me as below a wanker!
Another shit incident was that I didn’t get a grant for my study tour at the beginning of next year.
There were 30 grants on offer of $1000 each and there were 90 applicants. The odds ain’t that bad. That is a 1/3 chance to getting a grant.
But I received an email today advising me that I was not successful. Seriously how much more can a person take!!?! I can see how people loath other human beings and I can see why people dont give a shit about each other. This fucked up world and the western culture has forced us to be selfish and to think of no one else but ourselves.
Fuck I hate the world, I hate the people in it and I hate whatever force is causing it to spin and turn around.
I can see why people are out there killing other people, its because no body really has a purpose on this earth!
I need to fuckin study I have shit loads of work to do, and not even my friends are considerate enough to fuckin clean up after themselves? Do they fucking think they are invited guests if I’m fucking needing to write a 1500 essay!?!!
See I often find myself in the dilemma of pleasing people and pleasing myself. I am happy when i see other people happy. But in return I then feel uncomfortable because then I cannot accomplish all the things that I need to do for myself.
I wish I could live as a sacrifice for the world to feed on and weather away, but fuck I’m unfortunately born with a conscious and I’m fucking born with a mind, that doesnt want to be trampled on!
fuck fuck fuck!!!!!!!!!!!

I woke up this morning to a dream that my ex boyfriend purposed to me, and one of my close friends went to jail. Also in this same intertwined, weirdness my philosophy teacher was giving me porn as apart of the program.
Normally I wouldn’t batter an eye lid to these ridiculous dreams that I have but for the past few days these dreams have been coming true. They don’t happen exactly the way that it does in my dreams but the final outcome is always the same. For example, on saturday we went to a wedding (my parents and i) and mum lost little coin purse. Only this coin purse had $700 in it so that she could give it to my uncle. Everybody was frantically looking for it when we got home, and mum couldn’t even sleep that night. The same night I had a dream that we found the wallet, and someone that I called up (who apparently worked for the reception in which the wedding was held at) told me that he had it, and asked me how i knew to call him. That morning mum called me up at 6:30 to go look for her wallet. YEAH RIGHT! hahaha anyways she ended up calling the grooms mum and they told her the wallet was handed into them, the grooms mother then went on to ask her, how did she know to call them? SPOOKY?!!
There’s more!!!
A few nights ago, i had a dream that my boss took me into a room and gave me a pay rise but I was still complaining about it. Normally any meeting with my boss is negative. I always have the urge to bash her through the head. I had forgotten that we have our yearly reviews coming up, and she had been talking up my score so much over the last few weeks I actually expected alot better than I ended up getting.
Anyways yesterday I went into the meeting, and she gave me her score and I was kinda pissed. It was lower than i expected. And ofcorse without fail I argued, and am getting it reviewed.
hahahaha

anyways this new dream that I have just awoken from.
My ex, my dear old ex. It’s weird because we had the most INTENSE relationship (if you can even call it that) but it was the weirdest and shortest relationship ever!
I dont know whether it was because I was young and naive but I thought we really had something good, it turned out that he had a gf, and I was just his bitch while they were sorting their shit out.
It was so weird because at the beginning of the courting period, one night we went out for dinner, and he confessed, saying the usual bullshit that men like to say “You are a wonderful person but I’ve got a gf” interpretation “You are a wonderful person but I know of and have a much more wonderful person that I come home to.”
So that was all fine, only we were getting closer and even though I tried to distant myself, he was still always around. Anyways it grew from friends to making out buddies and he assured me that he was no longer with his gf and that he realised how ‘fabulous’ I was. I fell for it. Maybe thats why I act like such a tough bitch now, since he dicked me around, I believed him and he fucked me. (not literally just metaphorically speaking.)
Anyways one day within a few weeks from the time he said he HAD to be with me. He just stopped calling. He stopped coming to pick me up to go work, (blasted toys r us!) he even went to the extreme of not coming to work at all!
Back then, I couldnt understand it, I had to know why!!?! I couldnt accept that maybe he found something more special in his gf, that was evidently missing in me. I couldnt understand, or maybe I wouldnt understand. I came up with every reason under the sun as to why he was doing this to me, except that maybe he just didn’t love me like he love his gf. My ambition exceeded my talent to lure him back. There were moments throughout the years of us no longer being together when he would come to say hi, and we would embrace each other the way we use to, and he would look at me the way he use to. But he would hastily walk away, as fast as the moment had come, it was gone again.
He would never confess that he was still with his gf, we would never talk about her, pretended that she didnt exist. At that moment, I probably knew that he was doggin me, but in my mind, I made up a guy who was so wonderful that he could do no harm. In my mind, he was the most generous, caring, funny guy ever.
Even to this day he has some kinda hold on me that no else has been able to have. I mean I loved other guys more than I ever have loved this guy, (we’ll call him TRU for simplicities sake) but they never had the pulling power. Fuck you/off are probably one of my favourite phrases. I could pretty much say that to anyone who’s ideals and actions dont suit my agenda. But I have never sworn or abused TRU.
Anyways recently I found out that he was married, I confronted him about it and he denied the whole thing, saying that he doesnt even love his gf/wife anymore, and they havent been living in the same house for some time now. It’s odd because he does call me at weird hours in the morning, and I call him at weird hours to see if he really is with her, and he would talk to me like normal. So on these nights either she isnt there, and we have immaculate timing or he is telling the truth. They continue to share their finances, they share a mortgage for heavens sake!
Anyways my point is he doesnt think I know any of this. (and I probably shouldnt know) but why would i dream about him proposing to me when I know he already has a wife?
It got me thinking. Women in general, have an ignorance to what they want to believe in. Time and time again I see intelligent woman derive at nothing to the mercy of some man. It always starts out in the same way. The woman not caring too much about the guy, then she grows to love him due to his persistence. Then he just turns it off and gives her nothing.
And thats the fault in women, that they are optimistic to the point of naiveness. They take in all the good qualities and seive out all the negative. Thinking that the core of a man is his good qualities. Women look for the good and base judgement upon these.
They need to level their playing fields by thinking like a man, they are too soft and allow men to get away with way too much. If only we were unreasonable and think more for ourselves.
Now that we’ve acknowledged our faults we can step up our game women!

I don’t usually have bad things to say about people, or even if I do I only mean it from a superficial point of view. But this time I really mean it. I mean it from the core of me!
At uni we’re doing this research assignment and my group are a bunch of freaked up piss face people. Seriously they have no ethical obligations in the name if ‘team work’. I cant believe there are people like that in the world. I fucking hate them so much I wanna stab them in the eye.
So now we’re all getting marked individually, and my section is the hardest part. Fucking looser fuckers!
Anyways I just had vent my anger out.
Going to a job interview soon, so I had to get all the negative energy out! Im actually getting quite nervous thinking about it. Its so weird because I don’t mind whether i get the job or not, and I’m not likely to care about people judging me, so why am I so nervous!?
I have no idea….
It’s in New Quay and considering I live 5 mins walk from there,…. I’ve toyed with the idea of walking. It doesn’t look like its happening though. To counteract the guilt i feel for not walking, I’ve justified it in my mind by all of a sudden having all these chores to do!
hahaha like posting ebay sales, buying new stock, visiting my parents a whole lotta crap. hahahaha
how can u debate dualism? there is no doubt it exists, I am the testament of its existence. hahahaha

goddess xox

Finally after all this talk of my bf moving out its finally happened…. actually happened so fast my mind didnt even have time to think about it thus the absence of this information on this blog. It happened after yet another fight, then we were all good, I told him he had to move out since I have a friend moving in. He said he understood and move his stuff.
It’s so odd because our friendship/relationship is so much better now… we can actually talk like human beings and discuss trival things without the need to stab each other at the end of the conversation.
I guess there are issues where maybe only time can heal,… and thats the only remedy.

My new house mate is pretty cool, she cooks and cleans and has bought life to this apartment. It’s odd, because there was always some kinda taboo about the spare room, both my bf and I hated the feeling of being in there. We always had suspicion that someone had died either in that room, or had previously lived in that room before plunging to their death from our balcony. It’s not rare for people to committ suicide in these apartments, the high pressure of society in this community drives everyone to the brink, some of us (the braver ones) jump and end it all.
Anyways we got our copper friend to look at the reports and make an inquiry to the coroner and make sure theres been no death here. He hasn’t gotten back to us (a relief to know that our hard earned cash is being used on cops who actually go and fight crime, as apposed to doing trival searches for their superstitious friends).
So since she’s moved in, theres no longer that feeling. So it should be very cool having her around to share the household responsibilities.
Our apartment even looks better, with added art work and odd bits and peices here and there.
All in all its been a positive experience for all parties involved i think….although i miss my dear bf intensely. I didnt even know I could miss someone so much… I have a sneaking feeling that this is not the end for us….just might not be.